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Mar 31 2013

My Dad’s Legacy. One Moment, One Day at a Time.

This morning I traveled to watch my sweet nephew play his very first game of soccer. We weren’t going to miss this for the world. Uncle Bibi and Aunt Jeni arrived, camera in tow, sporting a small blue thermos to give to Levi in honor of his first game. After all, that’s how all the big boys do it, right?

He couldn’t have looked any cuter in his mini shin guards, tall socks, and soccer shorts. As if I’m not already so proud of who he is growing up to be, my heart suddenly swelled so big. I just LOVE being his aunt.

My sweet nephew. Born at almost 9 pounds, he’s always been a bit on the “sturdier side”, a pretty solid little guy. But as we’ve watched him grow, we’ve realized that his rough & tumble exterior houses a super-sweet, sensitive little boy with a huge, tender heart. Oftentimes people mistake him as the kind of kid that will just run over anyone in his way; but he’s been perfectly created to have the best of both worlds. A tough exterior with a soft heart.

About a half hour into practice, a routine game of chase went a little awry, and Levi became scared and upset. Tears running down his face, he immediately ran to the sidelines to his daddy. Daniel scooped him up, took him away from everyone, and sat down on the sidewalk next to him, making sure he was ok. I sat there and watched as my brother comforted my nephew, consoling & protecting him, yet pushing him to continue to do what he knew he could do.

I kind of got lost in the moment. Because all I could think about was my dad.

I watched as my brother carried on my dad’s legacy…right in front of my eyes. And when they were done talking, he took his son’s little hand in his, walked him back to the field, and encouraged him to get right back in the game. And guess what? He did. Not because he wasn’t scared any more, but because he knew his daddy was there. His daddy believed in him…and that was all he needed to know.

The rest of the game continued on without a hitch. Levi followed the mob of three year olds as they chased the ball around the field, and we stood on the sidelines, just as proud as we could be, cheering on his every move. But I knew that while this was just an everyday moment for many others, for me it was bittersweet.

After all, I thought about my dad the entire time. I thought about how much he would have loved to see this, to be a part of all of this. How proud he would have been, not only of Levi, but of Daniel as well. How rewarding it would have been for him to see the lessons he had taught his own son, being passed down to the next generation. He would have stood on the sidelines with a huge smile on his face. He would have hugged us and told us he loved us. He would have been one proud Papa.

The last few weeks, rather than get easier, it’s gotten harder somehow. I’ve found myself struggling to remember the man he used to be. I lay awake at night, haunted by the images of his final days and hours. Although we were blessed with many special moments, it seems that lately, all I can remember is the quick & painful fade of one of the strongest and most vibrant men I knew.

But today, as bittersweet as it was, I also got to see his legacy live on, one small moment at a time. I saw it in the gentle way my brother comforted Levi…I know exactly who he learned that from. I saw it in Levi’s eyes, when he would scan the sidelines to make sure his daddy was watching. I saw it in the protection that my brother provided my nephew, the same protection and that dad always provided to us.

While my heart literally aches to think of the days ahead and what he will miss, I cling to days like today, where I see him live on in those most precious to me. I know that he will live on in brave mother, my amazing brother, my incredible nephews, and even my own child some day soon.

His life, his legacy, makes mine more beautiful. And he will live on in me, too. I’ll make sure of it.

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Linda Thompson - March 31, 2013 - 3:35 am

Jeni,
What a beautiful post, and amazing pictures. You are so gifted in
you talents. Keeping your Dads memories alive in words and pictures. Thank you so much for sharing…
Linda Thompson

Feb 24 2013

My Life. My Photography. My Therapy.

My dad passed away two weeks ago today. People say it gets easier with time, but every day feels a little harder than the one before. I can’t explain the heartache I feel and the pain that comes to mind when I dwell on the fact that he is gone…forever. I can hardly comprehend it right now, which is probably a good thing. But I do know that no matter how deep the pain, I want to keep on living. For him. I want to make him proud of me. I want to make my mark on the world, just like he did.

One week ago, I sat at his funeral and watched the slide show of images, pictures of our amazing life, pass before my eyes. I remember feeling incredibly sad…yet incredibly thankful. For the memories they held. The laughter they showed, the joy they captured. Looking back, they seemed like just simple snapshots in time…but now, they are treasured, priceless moments. Ones that we will cherish forever.

As excruciatingly painful as it is, I can never bring my daddy back. I will never hear his sweet laugh again or see that contagious smile light up his face. But I will always have memories. I will always have photographs of him. I can look at them and hold them tight. And when I sit back and close my eyes, I can go right back to that beautiful place.

I want to do that for others, too. I want to make sure that they have the best pieces of life to hold on to. I want them to remember romantic glances and belly laughs, inside jokes and little whispers, hidden kisses and huge bear hugs. I want them to have the assurance that no matter what tomorrow brings, they’ll always be able to hold on to the gift of today.

And that’s why I love photography.

It’s my therapy. It’s how I’ll move on. It’s how I’ll make my dad proud.

As many of you know, I’m expecting my first baby in June. Due date? Father’s Day. Now that’s not an accident, is it? Amongst the incredible feelings of joy that this new life brings, I have to say that it also weighs very heavily on my heart that my dad will never meet his sweet new grandchild. However, one thing I know. This child will always know about him. They will always hold a piece of him in their heart. They will always carry on his legacy. I will make sure of it.

This month I had three newborn appointments. I usually don’t have that many. But I found myself incredibly thankful for the timing of these babies…because photographing them holds a whole new meaning to me now. It’s a great reminder of what’s to come…a great reminder that while My Sweet Jesus can’t replace the joy that my dad brought into my life, He CAN show me that joy still exists. And He does that through these precious little miracles. And soon…He will do that through mine.

I can’t wait to be a mommy. But for now, I’m thanking God for giving me some pretty cute little glimpses of what lies ahead…

 

First…there’s Beckett. He has a mommy who is an incredible nurse at Children’s Mercy Hospital, and a very brave and courageous fire-fighting daddy. Many of you remember Marley, my 3 year old niece who lost her battle to brain cancer a little over a year ago. This precious baby’s mom was one of her amazing nurses, taking her for walks in the middle of the night, cuddling up with her, and spoiling her rotten. Now, she has a precious little boy of her own to spoil. Every little inch of him is just perfect. Easy to say, I was in love…immediately.

Followed by sweet baby Harper. She is the daughter of some good friends of mine, Matt & Cara Lynch. I’ve taken pictures of their oldest daughter Camryn, since she was a baby, and now they welcome their second daughter into the world. They are amazing people and even more amazing parents. And…they make amazing-looking children. 

And last but not least, little Victoria. She was only four days old when I did this shoot, and she is just as cute as she can be. Her parents are wonderful people, and her older sister Charlotte is ready to teach her everything she knows…and more. Lauren and Brian have a warmth about them that is contagious, and I immediately loved them…I mean, what’s not to love?

“He has made everything beautiful in His time…we cannot fathom all that God has done…”  Ecclesiastes 3:11

 

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Lisa Kuznia - February 26, 2013 - 1:52 am

Oh how I have been thinking about you, Jeni. If you are ever in need of a huge hug please know I am never far away. Love you lots.

Feb 05 2013

Lessons From My Dad…#4

It’s been four months. I don’t know why I haven’t felt like blogging. Maybe life has just gotten crazy busy and I let it slip away from me. Or maybe I just have had other priorities. But, either way, I love it…and I miss it. My friend Heather tells me it’s my therapy. And I think she’s right. So, I decided it was time to get back in the swing of it.

Throughout the past few weeks, my dad’s health has been declining pretty rapidly. We aren’t giving up hope, and we aren’t letting go…but we are definitely hurting. I’ve turned on the computer so many times in the past few weeks, wanting to blog about another lesson from my amazing dad, wanting to share more about what he’s taught me…but I find myself feeling…blah. My head numbly uninspired, my heart incredibly heavy.

Then last night, as I was driving home, it hit me.

I keep trying to think of these fancy things to write…

When all I really want to do is write about how much I love him.

Lessons From My Dad #4…There is no time like the present to tell someone how much you love them.

I’m pretty sure this is a lesson that he’s inadvertently taught me. Nothing we ever sat down and talked about, nothing that we ever learned about growing up, but something that the experiences of the past few years have taught me. Life is precious. It’s special. And each day is a blessing. So live without regrets. If someone means the world to you, tell them. Heck, tell everyone you know about them.

I decided that sounded like a pretty good idea.

I LOVE MY DAD BECAUSE HE LOVES THE LORD. Our Savior permeates through his being. You can’t help but feel God when you’re around my dad. He’s always had a strong faith, but the past two years, throughout his journey with cancer, it’s grown leaps and bounds. He’s proclaimed the goodness of God, despite his circumstances, on a continual basis. He’s bragged about His sovereignty and been a witness of His healing power.  He’s told others about his relationship with God and how it’s the only way to eternal life. The ONLY way. He’s not ashamed, he’s not timid, it just flows out of him…it’s who he is. But people don’t just believe him because he shares it. They believe him because he lives it. He’s not ashamed to live a life that is bold, brave, and different…and it’s beautifully contagious.

I LOVE MY DAD BECAUSE HE TAUGHT ME I WAS WORTH IT. I had awkward stages like most every other girl in the world…but my dad always made me feel special. From my brace-face teenage years to the day he walked me down the aisle; I always felt beautiful to him. I had the confidence, from a very young age, that I mattered. But more than that, I mattered to my dad…the one man that could shape my life more than any other. Because of this, my heart grew with an assurance that I was worth something. And because I was worth a lot to him, I knew I was worth a lot in others’ eyes, too. I struggled with dating, wanting to find my worth in relationships. I dated a few weirdos…but I also dated a lot of great, God fearing men. However, none stood up to what I knew God had for me. None stood up to my dad. Over the years, my list of “expectations” became longer and longer. But despite my doubts, I knew, deep inside, that God would bring that man to me. I knew it, because I knew it existed. I saw it in my dad. And, just like my dad promised, God came through for me. Never thought I’d wait until I was 31 to get married…but as I celebrated my wedding that beautiful day in October, I knew that my dad was right…I was worth it.

I LOVE MY DAD BECAUSE HE ALWAYS HAS TIME FOR ME. He was never “too busy” for us when we were growing up; he always had time to play with us, to listen, to laugh. And today, nothing has changed. At the drop of a hat, he is there for me when I need it, to give me advice, to encourage me, to lift me up. He always has time for me…and even though I’m an adult, I’m still like a child when it comes to my daddy. I’ll always need him. I’ll always want to run to him. And I know, just like my Heavenly Father, he’ll always be there.

I LOVE MY DAD BECAUSE HE GETS MY SENSE OF HUMOR. If there is one thing in life we both understand, it’s that we are hilarious. Especially when we’re together. We talk, on a frequent basis, about how it’s really too bad that more people don’t recognize exactly how funny we truly are. My husband might not quite get it yet. We’ll be hanging out, and he’ll make a silly comment…only I won’t laugh. He’ll just shake his head and say, “If your dad said that, you’d be rolling on the floor laughing.” Oops. Sad, but true. We just “get” each other. We always have, always will. We’re just not sure why people don’t understand that we are the funniest people on earth. Oh well. At least we do.

I LOVE MY DAD BECAUSE HE PLANNED FOR MY FUTURE. This may seem like a really weird and non-sentimental one, but to me, it’s so important. Honestly, looking back, it’s crazy to think of how much of my life has been impacted by one decision in particular…his decision to pay my way through college. Dad raised us to be smart with our money; it wasn’t even ours to begin with, it was God’s. We were taught to save, tithe, and give, from an early age. As we grew, we saw how he would plan financially, and how much easier it made life for our family. Because he worked extra hard to pay my way through college, I left with no debt. And it was a domino effect after that. Because I left with no debt, I had no debt of my own to pay off when I got married. Because I had not debt to pay off, my husband and I were able to begin to plan for our future without additional financial burdens. Because we were able to plan for our future freely, we were able to start trying for a family. And in June of this year, we will welcome our first child into the world. My dad’s selfless choices and priorities allowed me to live my life to its fullest…and I’m so grateful.

I LOVE MY DAD BECAUSE HE LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY. When I was born, my mom said he just stared at me. I mean, I’m sure I was pretty darn cute! I was the first baby he’d ever held, and although I’m sure he was nervous, I’d say he picked the whole ‘dad thing’ up pretty quickly. He loved me when it was easy, when I was a sweet, charming, pig-tailed little girl…when I’d crawl up in his lap and look at him like he created the universe. And he loved me when it was hard, when I was an unruly, stubborn, teenager…when I wouldn’t listen, when I didn’t think he was “cool”. Funny how life works out…because now I think he’s pretty much the coolest thing. EVER.

I LOVE MY DAD BECAUSE THERE IS NO ONE ON THE EARTH LIKE HIM. While he is the only dad I’ve ever known, I’m certain he’s the absolute best. My life is more beautiful, more rich, and definitely more blessed…all because of him. He’s my hero, my strength, my rock, my inspiration. He holds a part of my heart that no one else can ever have, and no one else ever will. I can’t imagine the person I would be today without his presence, his love, and his wisdom in my life.

Daddy…I will forever be grateful that God allowed me to be your daughter.

I love you. Today, tomorrow, forever. Always.

 

 

 

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Mikaela Billam - February 5, 2013 - 5:24 pm

This is an amazing testament to your father’s character as a person and as a parent. Thank you for sharing this with the world. I truly believe that there is a special bond between fathers and their daughters. This was beautiful. Thank you!

Lisa Kuznia - February 6, 2013 - 1:03 am

Jeni,you and your father are so incredibly blessed to have each other. It is so important that we say these things to each other while we still can.

Sharon Patsch - February 6, 2013 - 2:49 am

My dear Jeni. There are really no words to describe my emotions when I read this today. It brought back such wonderful memories of my Dad and the loving daddy he was to me. He was also a God loving man and God always came first in our home. There is nothing stronger than the bond between a Daddy and his little girl. The wonderful thing is the feelings will always be there and if that precious little baby is a girl, she will have the same relationship with her Daddy. I have always been so proud to call you my daughter in law. My son was so lucky when he found you and we were so blessed when you agreed to join our family. I love you, my youngest “daughter” and know that God has you wrapped closely on His arms. Sharon.

Madi - February 10, 2013 - 7:33 pm

God knew your heart needed this post…and He knew I would need to be reminded of this beautiful message today. There is no time like the present, my friend. You have made your daddy incredibly proud and I know you and your family will continue to do so. Thank you for writing these pieces-It has given me the opportunity to learn more about this amazing man and reflect on my own blessings as well. You are treasured, Jeni. Love you dearly.

heather jacques - March 6, 2013 - 2:52 am

After reading this, my heart ached a little but also rejoiced in the fact that your Dad has raised such an amazing woman. I find out little by little why God has planned for our paths to cross. Thanks for being you. You are truly an inspiration. Love you!

Aug 29 2012

Lessons from My Dad…#3

Words are such a powerful thing. They have the power to hurt or the power to heal. As humans, we can use our words to fix problems, or to create them. To make others’ lives better, or to make them worse.

My dad’s words are, and have always been, very gentle, yet very powerful to me. Sure, he is an extremely goofy, silly, guy…but when he gets serious about something, I listen. Sometimes he will sit me down and give me direct advice, and sometimes he will just listen, slowly sharing his thoughts, helping to guide me in the way I should go. His wisdom seeps into the very depths of my heart, and when I’m in a bind, I find myself reliving conversations we’ve had over and over in my mind, as I search for an answer.  It doesn’t matter where I am or what I’m doing, if I need my dad, the power of his gentle whisper is always there.

So, it only seemed right that my next “lesson from dad” be on his words…and how incredibly special they are to me.  But, as I pondered that thought, something struck me. If I think my earthy father’s words are powerful, important, and worth dwelling on, how much more important are our Heavenly Father’s words?

Turns out…SO important.

Which brings us to…Lessons from my Dad #3

What we have to say is important…but what God has to say is even MORE important.

Among the many things that my dad has taught me, possibly one of the most important is how to rely on God’s word. Both of my parents have always been amazing examples of how to live out His word, how to hide it in your heart, so that it overflows from your very being, showing in everything you do.  It’s kind of like leaving a legacy. Our job on earth is to leave a legacy for God. To make HIM look good, and to make  Him known. To love others with His love, to share His glory to everyone we come across. My dad does just that.

Let’s rewind a bit.  December 2011. We were all feeling a bit fearful when dad went in for his first surgery to remove the cancerous tumor from his colon. Not knowing what was ahead was unsettling, but we tried our best let go and simply trust God. When we asked dad what he needed, he said his bible. Nothing more. Because he knew that he would be in that room for many days, he asked me to create signs of scripture verses for him to display in his room, so that he would be surrounded by the powerful words of God when he awoke from surgery. Plus, he said it’d be a good witnessing tool to the doctors and nurses who would enter his room. He was right.

Watching dad recuperate from surgery was tough. We had never seen him weak, never seen him beaten down. But still we knew God was in control. A few days later, as my brother and I left to go back home, dad prayed over us. Prayed God’s word over us. Settled our nerves. Calmed our fears. Showed us that when nothing else in the world can bring you peace, God’s word can.

Throughout the next few months, my parents did lots of traveling.  Then, it was to see doctors, now it’s to see family…but it’s always the same. They don’t just unpack and stay in a hotel…they decorate it. They hang scripture in their hotel room. Everywhere. On the refrigerator, on the doors, on the cabinets, even on the windows. But it doesn’t stop there. When I travel home to Hannibal, I know I’ll be welcomed by God’s word, hanging on every nook and cranny in our house.  It covers our home like paint on the walls. You can hardly walk three steps without seeing the power of God’s word displayed. You can’t help but read it. And when you read it…you remember it. I think that’s the point, right?

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 - “These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”

God instructs us to walk daily in His word, to talk about it, to share it, to live it. And in my dad’s case, to fall asleep to it. Yes, he literally falls asleep to God’s word. When he lays his head down at night, he plays scripture verses on the cd player. Healing verses that are recited in both Hebrew and English. It’s the last thing he puts in his mind before he closes his eyes at night.

As many of us know, it often takes the most difficult of times to teach us the most valuable of lessons. Yes, my dad has always followed God. But I would say that his walk with God has changed drastically since his battle with cancer began. He’s fighting this disease with the best medicine he has. He’s facing the most frightening of experiences with confidence and strength, because of the power of God’s word within Him. And as I watch him fight with such bravery and courage, I know that kind of strength can only come from one thing. My dad has God’s word hidden so deep inside of him, that nothing but God flows out. Cancer has no power over him anymore. And even though the past few months have been the hardest we’ve ever faced…they quite possibly have been the most powerful, too. Because through this deep pain, we’ve found the deep JOY of relying on His word.

My dad has taught me that no matter what we endure, God’s word can carry us through.

The storms of this life are strong….but our God is STRONGER.

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Betty Dykstra - August 29, 2012 - 9:14 pm

What a wonderful testimony to your Dad! Please say Hi to him for me. I wish I had thought to put up Bible verses for my husband, Marv before he died last year.
Love and prayers,
Betty

Aug 17 2012

Lessons From My Dad…#2

You can be a little weird…yet still be SUPER COOL.

This “lesson from dad” isn’t quite so serious…but it’s still pretty important. You see, my dad is one of the coolest people I know. But also…the weirdest. He taught me to be an individual, that it doesn’t matter what other people think, as long as you’re comfortable in your own skin.

And thanks in part to him, I am. Uh, maybe we ALL are…

So…on to the good stuff.

My dad’s wardrobe. Let’s start with the socks. I’m pretty sure the white socks he wore while we were growing up hit just centimeters below his kneecaps. He’d combine them with the shortest shorts in the neighborhood…a winning combination. From the outside, you’d think these socks were in pretty good shape; until he’d take off his shoes. I’m pretty sure that the hole at the bottom of the sock was as large as the one at the top. I’d bet money on the fact that he probably could have put those socks on upside down and no one have would noticed.

His toothpicks. To this day, he hardly can finish his meal without sticking a toothpick in his mouth. When I was little, he’d use the wooden kind. He was very specific about them…always round, NEVER square. (You toothpick eaters know what I’m talking about, right?) One minute, I’d look up and he’d have a brand new one in his hand; but when he was finished, you’d be lucky to get a splinter in your finger with what was left. I mean, he’d devour these things like they were going out of style. My mom finally made him use the plastic ones so he wouldn’t be digesting wood. Thank the Lord.

His interesting eating habits. Like, taking the leftover juice from the green beans, and pouring it over bread. He’d roll it up and look at my brother and I and watch us gag as he ate it like it was candy. But that wasn’t the worst…ever heard of braunschweiger? If you haven’t, no worries. It really shouldn’t even be classified as food. Maybe it’s a meat, maybe it’s a paste…I’m not quite sure. Saying it is meat is like saying Velveeta is cheese. Anyway, he’d pile it on crackers or bread until it was an inch thick. It was just not right.

 

But despite having his quirks…we always knew he was pretty much the most amazing dad ever.

And the older we got, the more we realized that even thought we might have the weirdest dad on the planet, he was also the COOLEST.

He’d come home every day after a long day at work and head right outside to play with us. Didn’t matter how tired he was or how much work he had to do that night…give him ten minutes and he’d be out of that tie and into those holey socks. And it wasn’t just us that noticed how much fun he was…all of the other kids in the neighborhood would come over to play, too. We didn’t mind other people “borrowing” our dad. He was worth it.

And, ahhh…the faking sleep days. I had it just right; I’d fall into the “deepest” sleep EVER just as we were getting home from the store, so dad would be forced to carry me upstairs. It was my best tactic. He’d pick me up and carry me all the way up to my bedroom. And just as he would lay me gently in my bed…yep, you guessed it. Time to fake wake up because I had to go to the bathroom. It worked like a charm. When I was little, I remember being so happy that I had tricked him into carrying me. Now, I look back and am so happy because I realize that I hadn’t…but he did it anyway.

I was quite the athlete when I was a kid. Seriously. Ok…not really. I loved lots of things, but didn’t have a competitive bone in my body, so it wasn’t rocket science that I wouldn’t likely go far with it. Nonetheless, knowing that I probably wasn’t going to be an Olympic gymnast didn’t stop him from building up that dream in my heart. He spent hours digging holes in our backyard, toiling over an awesome, wooden, balance beam that he built from scratch. Somehow he had the wisdom to build it just shy of a foot off the ground, even though I insisted I was ready for a regular one. When I got on that thing, it seemed MUCH higher….thanks dad. You were right.

He always had time to play with us…always. Whether it was at home, or on the road, we were always his number one priority. When we’d travel, he was the ONLY dad in the hotel swimming pool that got in with his kids. He would throw us in the air for hours and hours, until our lips were blue and we swore up and down that we were not that cold.

I love my dad….every single part of him. Especially the weird parts. It’s funny, because what used to be weird when I was little….is just COOL now. It’s what puts a smile on my face when I think of my dad, it’s what makes him unique and special, only to me. When I was younger, I used to worry about being weird. And now, the older I get, the more I pride myself in it.

Not sure if that’s because I like being different….or if, deep down inside, I really just like being like my dad.

 

 

 

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aunt laurie - August 17, 2012 - 10:04 am

Jeni, you are so talented. I love looking at your pictures and I love you blogs. you are a beautiful young lady (and my favorite niece!!)

Ed Tamerius - August 20, 2012 - 3:42 am

Jenny

Enjoyed your reminiscing of your dad’s unusual habits as you were growing up. I can relate to most of them. You should use the pen and paper more often because you are a very gifted writer. Your dad says you get that from your mom.

God bless